Submission: All That She Wants
USER SUBMISSION:
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How insane is it to start having unprotected sex with someone you met 6 weeks ago, and feel strongly for but know you don't know that well, especially in a context where you're planning to impant an embryo you made with a sperm donor in 3 months (scorpio baby target)?
I suspect I know the answer that makes sense. But my heart and body are giving me different directions (which I'm currently following). So any insight is welcome.
My vision for my life is having 3 kids of my own inside a happy ass-kicking marriage as I continue to rock my business. But I am unattached to the order or biological origins of my baby pappa.
And yes I am mostly sane otherwise most of the time :)
– Anonymous
CAT’S RESPONSE:
It is in therapy as in advice columns, it seems, that the issues plopped in front of me often strike a personal chord. Is it synchronicity? Fate? Pure coincidence? In any case, as a 35 year old woman in a new relationship who’d like a whole bunch of children of her own, I am deeply familiar with what I like to call fertility math.
(X frozen eggs + one live male specimen) - (advanced maternal age and $25,000) = how many babies?
I get it. I get the what ifs and what thens of 4am fertility math problems. I get the existential dread. I get the bargaining with God, or whomever. I get the terror.
Perhaps it’s unfair to attribute these feelings to the letter writer. But for the men, the childless by choice, and the young, happy parents out there, I provide this context to put you in our shoes for a moment — to help you imagine the pure insanity that fertility math can induce.
With that, let’s discuss our reader’s question.
At face value, our reader is quite simply asking if it’s insane to have a baby with someone she just met. At face value, my answer is no! People do it all the time, on purpose and by accident. Live your life, girl! Babies are awesome.
But there is something extremely important missing from the letter writer’s inquiry, and I can’t help but wonder whether it’s missing from the fertility math equation altogether. What input has the potential father had in all this? Is he aware that the sex is unprotected? Does he want to be a father?
These questions are important whether the letter writer intends to parent solo or not. In this way, it becomes an issue of consent. Men too care about their offspring. If you want a baby now, with this man, ask him if he would like to make a baby with you. Find out what level of involvement he’d like to have in the child’s life. Avoid a custody battle down the line. If this relationship is built to last, babies notwithstanding, there has to be honest communication about this.
Listen, this stuff is hard. I’m about to drop 10 Gs to put these rapidly deteriorating eggs on ice and I question my sanity every day. But no one wants to be like the lady in that Ace of Base song. Just talk to him. You, this man, and any potential child you create together deserve it.
– Cat, a Therapist With an Advice Column
This was a response to a user submission.
If you have concerns, we probably have them too.
THANK GOD FOR OUR IN HOUSE THERAPIST.