A New Year’s Note
It’s that time of year again!
January 1 is right around the corner, and we know what you’re thinking:
2022 is going to be MY YEAR. I’m going to get SNATCHED. I am NOT going to drink an oil tanker’s worth of rosé this year. I am NOT going to smoke a metric ton of weed. I’m going to go on dates with the BEST PEOPLE. I’m going to MANIFEST the sh*t out of ALL THE WEALTH. No more dishes in the sink. No more binge watching. No more binge eating. No more f*ckboys. New year, NEW ME. I just have to DO it, you know?
No. Stop. Turn back. Do not pass go.
I promise you – I mean, I can guarantee, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there will be no new you this January. The New Year’s Resolution Industrial Complex has you brainwashed, and I’m here to crush your dreams for 2022.. because I care about you.
Allow me to explain.
I am not saying that people can’t change. I’m a therapist. If I didn’t think people could change, I wouldn’t be in this business, and I wouldn’t have gotten back together with my ex all those times. You can change – just not like this.
“I just need to do it” is a sentence I hear a lot in my practice. I just have to stop smoking. I just have to make my bed every morning. I just have to get into the habit. I just have to stop sleeping with the unemployed aerialist. But rarely do I hear the kind of self-compassion that’s going to lead to real change. If you could just do it, you would have just done it already. It’s not usually that easy.
Why are you smoking all the time? Why is your room a mess? Why are you not maintaining healthy habits? Why are you sleeping with unstable circus performers? I don’t know why you, personally, have these issues, but here are some ideas:
You smoke because you’re stressed from living under the crushing weight of an ongoing pandemic, political turmoil, and profound injustice on a global level. You don’t make your bed because you really need those extra five minutes of rest. You haven’t gotten “into the habit” because “the habit” is boring, and your reward system is wired to seek the comfort of binge watching Netflix instead. You’re sleeping with yet another aerialist because your caregivers weren’t able to provide you with an example of a healthy, lasting relationship.
Before we talk about change, can you just take a beat here, and think about what an actual feat it has been to survive through the past two years? Can I ask everyone (except my ex) to pause for a second and consider the possibility that 2022 might not be the year for transformative change? Might we ponder the benefits of not bending over backwards to optimize ourselves?
Are you with me? No? Okay.
You’re not ready to just lie down and wait for 2022 to be over. Me either. Your impulse to change this year is stronger than ever, because 2021 has sucked stronger than ever. So, what can we do?
First, we must admit that transformative change will not happen just because you’re having a Peloton delivered on January 1 (unless…um…you’re Mr. Big). To believe otherwise is to set yourself up for failure. Change takes time, and you will stumble along the way.
Secondly, ask yourself: Do I really want to change, or did my mother-in-law make a comment about my weight? What I mean by that is: Do you need to change, or do you need to stop listening to the haters? Think about it carefully.
If you find that you are experiencing a genuine desire to make changes in your life, start with baby steps. Don’t decide to “STOP DRINKING FOREVER”. Decide to go to an AA meeting. Don’t decide to “MAKE THE BED EVERY DAY UNTIL I DIE”. Decide to make the bed tomorrow. Don’t add “NO AERIALISTS” to your Tinder profile. Have a conversation with your aerialist about boundaries. Don’t “MANIFEST WEALTH”. Set up a $50 recurring monthly transfer to your savings account. Small, achievable, meaningful steps.
Finally, forget the whole new year, new me thing. Go to the gym tomorrow. Go to an AA meeting on December 26. Call that girl for a talk right after her next Cirque du Soleil performance. Set up that bank transfer right now. Alternatively, wait until February. Do absolutely nothing to optimize your life until Valentine’s Day. Spend January vegetating on your mom’s couch. The hype of the New Year’s Resolution will get you nowhere but locked into a year-long contract with a $250/month fitness club.
As we tiptoe gently into 2022, try approaching change with more care and less urgency. And if it doesn’t feel right? There’s always 2023.
– Cat, a Therapist With an Advice Column
This was a response to a user submission.
If you have concerns, we probably have them too.
THANK GOD FOR OUR IN HOUSE THERAPIST.